News Updates

Stop Press - Heeksboy Kidnapped by Equatorial Welsh Supporter

Charlie Heeksboy has been kidnapped by a very stupid Equatorial Welsh supporter calling himself "Joan Pricker".  The rest of the Greater Cornish Empire team has had to go into hiding until this Pricker is caught and their beloved Heeksy is returned unharmed.  Randolph Cheeks, the Cornish manager, was asked for comment, but is said to be too upset to face the press at this distressing time.

A ransom note has been received by the Greater Cornish Empire team, making references to members of both the Cornish and the Equatorial Welsh teams. It is believed that "Pricker" is making bizarre demands for someone called "Philippa" to admit ludicrous claims of shirt-swapping on the pitch.  A spokesperson for the Cornish team has announced that no such demands will be met.  A plea has been made for "Pricker" to give himself up by the Equatorial Wales authorities who fear an international war between the two countries, which could disrupt both individual fights for their own freedom.

Any information on the whereabouts of Charlie Heeksboy should be reported to the Greater Cornish Empire Police (07759 380325).

Big Hopes For The New Season

"We are going to win the league!" Equatorial Wales manager Ron Meister will accept nothing less of his talented team this season, particularly after their very average season last year. Ever since the dizzy heights of 1998 when they won the league and took the World Proto-State Cup, there has been an air of frustration and dissatisfaction around the Equatorial Wales national team. Complacency set in and all of a sudden everyone else had caught them up. Last year, they finished 6th in the league and exited from the Challenge Cup in the second round to one of their greatest rivals, the Greater Cornish Empire, whose recent success has compounded the misery of the team.

However, for the first time in three years, there is a positive feeling about the team as they approach the new season. Much of this is due to the managerial skills of Ron Meister who, after narrowly avoiding the sack last season, now seems keener than ever to drive Equatorial Wales forward. He has brought in two very talented young new signings in Ralph Uptureboy and Rozhita Stalin during the close season and has stepped up the level of training. Results have been immediate and, aside for the game against Zambia (A step too far, I think all would agree), the team have been unbeaten in their pre-season friendly. They beat the Cornish and Basques, and demolished the Kentish, so they now feel confident about challenging for the league title, won so impressively by Kurdistan last year. For Ron Meister and for many of the older heads in the team, if there is no success this season, it could be the end of the road for them.

Fixture List Throws Up Difficult Away Start

The fixture list published this week has given plenty to think about for Ron Meister, whose side will face both Chechnya and Palestine away before their first match at the Bioko Stadium. The experienced manager of Equatorial Wales knows how important these opening encounters will be with such a small league season. However, both sides are good on home soil and very dangerous prospects. Ron commented, "It's not the ideal start. We would have like to have been at home first, but that's what we've got and, if we prepare well, we're capable of getting results in those matches." Aside from problems on the pitch, both games represent very dangerous prospects off it. The club has suggested that nobody travels to these matches, but realise that there will always be some fans willing to risk the trip. Last year, a bus of hardcore supporters was bombed in Chechnya on the way to the match there, but as the Supporter's Club Leader said, "That's the excitement of this league; you never know what's going to happen!"

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